Saturday, May 2, 2009

Where is that confidence?

Wow, who was it that said I had come to grips with this and had found a home in my purpose? Surely it wasn't me, because I don't feel anything like that today.

I've been with my parents for 5 days now. My dad has come home from the hospital and we are "managing" his pain. But he is in pain quite often. He still gets around some...very slowly, with a very nervous me standing at his elbow at all times ready with the catcher's mitt. He sleeps alot. In bed and in a chair. He has no voice and is hard to hear and understand a times. But his mind is still very much "on" with the occasional word that plagues us all on the tip of our tongues.

The greatest challenge I have found so far is my own selfishness. This is not "home", the place where I can relax. It's very uncomfortable here, in many, many ways. If I could know my own family and home were just across town or nearby, it would relieve some of the stress I feel. My poor son had to be on the receiving end of my first breakdown (yes, I said first because I highly suspect it was only the beginning) yesterday, via telephone. What started out as a "how was your day, dear?" conversation, turned into a full-blown blubbering mamma apologizing for doing so. It wasn't a pretty sight. Bless his heart, he's still talking to me today...he's a good kid.

I am quickly discovering that there is no relief or respite for the caregiver. At my father's advance stage, I am needed even when he is asleep for such duties as dispensing meds or going to the bathroom. And no one comes to visit. So all three of us are homebound. Day drags to night, night turns to day, day drags to night.....a perpetual swinging of a lone pendulum. Isolation. That's a good word to describe this, isolation. It feels like the whole world has stopped spinning but you can't find the way off the merry-go-round and everyone has gone home...deserted you.

I do know better. In the dead of the night, when I am needing to stay awake for the final medicine dispense, I am surfing my virtual community of friends that I used to chat with, laugh with during my days. Many of them leave me very encouraging words and wishes and let me know how proud they are of me and are praying for me. I wish they'd quit thinking grand things of me, though. I certainly don't see the same traits in myself that they seem to see in me. But I will take all their prayers! Maybe this will become easier and I will find some sort of footing. I really don't want to feel begrudging. My dad deserves the care and if that means some sacrifice or hardship on my part, then I am going to keep trying.

1 comment:

  1. What can I tell you that I have not already? Absolutely nothing. I know you can do this, you know you can do this because you are that strong, good, wonderful woman that I am so glad to call my friend and I am always 'on' and ready to cheer you up, distract you, entertain you, give you that ear you may need, answer any questions you may have, but most of all I am just here. For you. I have always been and will always be. So hit me up late at night, early in the morning, midday, you will never ever be bothering me. You know me, I'm ready and waiting.