Thursday, July 15, 2010

yet to come

I've never been a thin person. I've always struggled with my weight. Looking back, I wish I could struggle with the "weight" I thought I had 30 years ago again, but even then, I was considered heavy, according to social mores. That was back in the days of Twiggy or just after. I would have been one of the thin girls nowadays. But that fact only breaks my heart for the young girls of today. Even though they may view their weight differently than I did 30 yrs ago, I know they must have pain in their condition and only someone as old as I am can know the real health problems their weight will cause them at much earlier ages than they did my generation. But I've spent years trying to figure out just why food and exercise has been my weakness. I seem to be stuck on a perpetual "about to take the first step" but not actually doing it. And if I do, I soon stop. Why?

I was watching an a television show about people that had lost great amounts of weight and then gained it back again. They were saying they lost the weight for others, for the accolades and attention they got instead of just for themselves and I think if I do anything its maybe not BECAUSE of myself, but I would have to do it BY MYSELF. I was an only child and even though I had quite a few friends growing up, I was kept very close to home, so to speak. I was never allowed to go to camps or spend time with friends without having a reason, place and time frame. So even though I had the friends, they all had other friends they could spend more time with. I was encouraged to stay at home to commute to college for money-sake, so my tether was still fairly intact and friendships were severely limited during those years. I finally left home and lived on my own but financially, didn't make enough to enjoy many outings with friends, and again, spent alot of time on my own. Against all odds, I did meet a wonderful guy and married. He has always been a very work-oriented person, spending an average of 12 hours a day at his job and being on call much of the time through the years. I had a full-time job prior to having our son and then became a full-time stay-at-home mom. I often felt like I was parenting alone, even though my husband always tried to have his input and spend time as much as possible with our son. Probably as with alot of couples, parent-teacher conferences were mostly mine to handle. Homework and schooling was mine to handle. I wish I could say I did a better job but I did the best I could at the time.

I don't tell any of this to place blame on my husband at all. We both did what we felt was the right thing. He has always been a very responsible, hard-working man and by working hard, he shows his commitment to his family. I get that. I say all this to show why I might feel like most of my life has been spent on my own, alone. Perhaps because I have always been in this position, I have a warped sense of security in it. On the other hand, it has always caused me to have a place down inside myself somewhere that feels very alone, as if a big gray cloud hovers over me at all times. Now, I don't want to paint a picture of a depressed, woe-is-me person, because I'm not. I am a very blessed person and there's not a moment I don't know and believe that.

I don't believe I'm depressed. I'm just trying to understand myself and figure out what exactly is the block that keeps me unmotivated enough to lose my weight. Am I just lazy? I don't know. Perhaps. I used to be successful in my schooling and job. So, why do I seem to be such a failure at this? I know PART of my problem is being convinced I'll fail, so why start? But who am I going to be a failure to? Others? My mother? I'm 51 years old, I think my upbringing is an inadequate excuse anymore. A failure to myself? Am I so convinced I'm a failure of a person? I have had a few people in my past make me feel like a failure and I took each and every one of those too close to heart. Why? Why did I let a few people completely mold my own opinion of myself as a total failure? Whatever the reason....I head KNOWS I'm a capable person. I can do anything I want to do badly enough. Perhaps I don't want it badly enough? I don't think that's true because it seems my whole identity and thoughs are centered around me and my size.

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