Improv Cheesy Sausage Soup

It's a great afternoon to write. I've decided to start sharing recipes. You just don't know how challenging doing that is for me. First, I cook by the seat of my pants most of the time. And secondly, I cook by the seat of my pants! Which is my way of saying I make up a lot in the moment, I very rarely use recipes....or use them as-is only once and I am NOT good about measuring anything. I go by smells, tastes, looks, etc. It's a 5 senses thing. And for those of you that MUST use exact amounts of everything, maybe this isn't the blog for you. Or learn to lighten up and learn to generalize a little. I'm ALL about generalizations. I CAN be about details if a job requires it, but about my cooking......(shaking head). And I'm now wishing I had taken a picture of this "recipe" for you. I thought just getting a blog up and going well is challenging enough for me and I didn't expect to really be sharing recipes, thus no reason for photographs. So bear with me. If this works out, I'll try to get some pictures for future recipes.

As I've said in the past, I am a bit famous in my house for taking leftovers and making something new out of them. Doing leftovers as-is ISN'T something my family likes to do much. There's only three of us and I tend to make enough for a few lunches or another couple of people's hearty appetite. I like to make sure everyone has as much as they want. So we have leftovers. These creations from leftovers are usually my most successful dishes. Which is irritating to my husband because how often do you have the exact same leftovers so you can do it again? So most of these great meals are not only originals, but once-and-only meals. I'm going to work on that. But for today I'm going to share one of the easiest things to improvise....using leftover sauces for the base for fabulous soups. Soups are COMPLETELY improvisable. Is that a word? Well, it is today. I will try to give you the ingredients and approximate amounts of the sauce that I made for a pasta dinner and how I added to it to make soup a few days later.

I will always gravitate to creamy and cheesy over tomatoey or brothy. Although I will eat the others also. THIS recipe went with my first choice. For the base of it all, I used a jar of creamy, garlic alfredo sauce. Being glutenfree, I warn you to always look at the ingredients list when choosing the type and brand of things like this. Even if the ingredients look good, there's often the disclaimer of "processed in a facility that also processes....." or "may be trace amounts of......", which is enough for me to turn away from. But there are some good choices available. I DO often make things from scratch but other times, when I know I can get ready-made of some items, I will. I would rather talk my way thru the recipe but I know many need to see a recipe in recipe form, so here goes.

1 jar garlic, alfredo sauce (or any flavors you prefer)
1 t. onion powder
2 t. minced garlic (we love garlic)
2 heaping T. pureed pure pumpkin (yes, pumpkin. It really didn't taste pumpkiny. But you add color and GREAT health benefits of pumpkin!)
finely chopped roasted red pepper --- now I did roast them myself and I have no idea how much to tell you to use. If you like it...be generous and enjoy. If not, use sparingly or leave it out completely. I used a couple of sizeable pieces.
2-3 cups chicken stock I often make my own from roasted chicken bones but this time I used boxed. And the amount is dependent on how much sauce you need and how cheesy or thin you want it.
Bring to a boil and then simmer for 10 minutes.

Now for the soup. In a large pot add....

Saute 1 diced onion
add and brown 1 lb bulk sausage
add 1 T minced garlic
Leftover sauce
add more roasted pepper to taste (I added another couple of large pieces, finely diced)
the rest of the can of pure pumpkin (the can was approximately a 15 oz sized can)
1 box chicken broth
4 T chicken boullion
4 cups water
1 t black pepper
add approximately 1 cup milk as it simmers
chop 2 large fistfuls of fresh spinach and add to pot.
Stir and simmer for 10 minutes

Wow, I did it. I actually wrote this down as a real recipe. I encourage you to take this and make it your own. Wing it. If you don't like something about it, leave it out! Substitute something! It's not rocket science and it WON'T be horrible. I promise. My family loved THIS. And I will do my best to pull it all together and replicate it again very soon.

Visiting Non-Gluten-Free Relatives

I'm going to try very hard to not use this post as my therapy for the week. I don't know about your family, but mine is challenging. And I'm going to stop right there from going any further in explaining. But I think many of us have faced the dilemma of how to eat and deal with meals at relatives homes. Personally, I've only dealt with needing to be gluten-free for seven years. Seeing as I have a grown son, that means my side of the family never had to deal with such things for me. When its not my kitchen, my menu plans or others' desires for eating out, having a real need to be gluten-free can be challenging for us and very annoying for others.

I think it's very normal for most family members to think we can eat most of the same dishes that have been beloved traditions, just minus a small ingredient or two. But when those ingredients are glutinous, the substitutions can often completely change a dish. AND a large number of those that are Celiac or gluten-intolerant are likely to have issues with other foods, most predominantly, dairy or eggs. Again, foods that can and will totally change the outcome of many dishes when substituted. You can see how you and your needs suddenly become a real thorn in others' sides when family favorites no longer turn out the same. Some people are very intolerant of Thanksgiving dishes varying from what they grew up with or the finger foods of Super Bowls or the fancy extravagances of New Year's. But there are a number of things you can try. You might not get it right this year or even next year. But, in time, you stumble onto things that work FOR YOU. Seeing that we are looking just ahead to Thanksgiving, let's think about this a bit now.

If you will be at someone else's home, TRY to talk with them but don't demand that everything changes or caters to you. Take a look at the menu items. Which ones are the sacred cows? Would they be easy to rework? If not, don't bother trying. Think through this some ahead of time and have a suggestion for yourself and anyone else that may want to try and offer to make it. The only things you need to concern yourself with then is the possible cross-contamination of the kitchen when preparing it and maybe a special way to label your gluten-free dishes when they are out on the buffet table. And label your utensil for that item also so no one uses it to dip something else. Maybe setting the gluten-free items off to the side away from the other items would be a good idea also. Pointing out that naturally gluten-free dishes that are simple, whole foods is a very good thing might spark ideas of how a meal could be enhanced. If the kitchen, suggestions, family members are just too difficult resistant, then resign yourself to doing for yourself as needed. We have enough options these days at a lot of grocery stores and online to not be hungry. And remember, after all, it's not REALLY about the food. It's not. Family is often a double-edged sword during the holidays. But they are family. Embrace that fact. It's about them. And it's about you as part of them. Be the bigger person, if need be, and let their resistance roll off. One thing I've learned about the gluten-free path is that it changes. We continue to learn and we adapt. Even when we think we've arrived, next year will have something new in our knowledge and ability to deal with it easier. I know it all seems much easier to me this year than it did last. And the same for the year prior to that. This may be a big thing in our life but in the grand picture of things, it's a small thing. And I've heard we aren't suppose to sweat those.

12 Step for Writing?

So, hello. Yes, it's me. I need to slow down on these annual posts, don't you think? Ugh! "THEY" say writers are the worst about actually writing. I guess that makes me a TERRIFIC writer. But, I'm gonna try it again. Another gluten-free compadre on Twitter and Pinterest (@GFDougie) has lectured (I'm sure he'd say ENCOURAGED) me to do more tweeting on my gluten-free Twitter account and sharing. So, since this is the stereotypical day to start anything, I'm giving it another go. If you choose, and are on Twitter, I'm at @MilliNoVilli. I just changed it to that. I have to write it down here and there so I can find it later. Because I KNOW I'll forget it. I was quite tickled at coming up with that but it's way too kitchy for me to remember. Cool, I'm not.

Just a word of warning, I'm not one of those fancy cooks. I love cooking shows on tv, food magazines, cookbooks, cooking blogs, etc. But my own experience has no culinary schooling or even real medical expertise. I can only share what I've learned, what I like and what's going on in my own daily life. And it's not centered around my cooking or blogging. At least, not yet. If you stick with me you'll learn I'm midwestern, simple, cheap and very un-politically correct. You won't read long, lengthy, scientific rants about non-GMO foods, how eating non-organics is appalling or the scourge of red meats, sugar and butter. I grew up eating much like Ree Drummond's "Pioneer Woman" and Paula Deen...without quite so much butter. But, yes, VERY southern roots.

I didn't grow up battling gluten-intolerance or food allergies. I've been told I had some issues when I was an infant but I grew out of them pretty quickly. Fast-forward 47 or 48 yrs and I suddenly had digestive and other problems and couldn't find out why. I'm not one to go to the doctor much and after only about three different doctors not having much clue, I started researching for myself online. I concluded I needed to write down what I was eating and how I felt afterwards and when I experienced problems and what kind of problems they were. I think writing it down was key to finally seeing a pattern emerge. My body seems to take 1 1/2-2 days to fully react, making it a little more difficult to see. I started making a list of foods I seemed to be bothered by and one-by-one would take them out of my diet. With every food I eliminated the degree of being bothered would lessen. I ended up with a list of 6 foods: glutens, dairy, eggs, beans, rice, nuts. And when you consider our usual diets, eating became quite challenging. I learned that my gluten-intolerance was caused my the gluten killing off the villi in our intestines and that probiotics helps keep those healthy and active. Since I couldn't do dairy, yogurt was out. But I found an allergy-free supplement and took double doses for a few weeks to heal my "leaky gut". Once it was healed, I could get to work at improving my diet. In time, one by one, I managed to work some of those foods back into my diet. At least now and then. A little bit. Which REALLY does help when in social settings. And if I CHOOSE. I still have issues with more than just a little rice, nuts and beans. Glutens are still my worst and I really try to stay away from them as much as possible. I stumbled onto some help with dairy after visiting an uncle, who had become lactose-intolerant also. He could have lactose-free milk and said if he had some of it daily, it helped him digest a little bit of cheese or ice cream on occasion. REALLY? You know as soon as I got home I was zooming to the store for lactose-free milk! And I could also tolerate it well! YAY! So just being able to cook with a milk that tasted like milk and cooks well was SO helpful. And I also found I could do the cheeses and ice creams too. A little. Occasionally. And soft cheeses do much better than cheddar. Go figure. I have no idea why.

SO. That's a little about my journey so far. I'm sure I'll fill in some blanks now and then in the future. I will probably also repeat myself. I'm sorry about that. I seem to have come to that point in my life where I do that. I'll try to keep it at a minimum. Blessings.

Cook with Imagination

I've been thinking about what I want to talk about today. I had decided, but just hadn't written yet when my tv was on The Chew and they stole my idea, lol! Well, maybe not. But it can't be said enough, so instead of changing topics, I think I'll continue on the same thought.

I've met and known of so many people these days that don't cook. And after living the past 6 years with multiple food intolerances, I am even more amazed that of this and convinced that those of us with food issues, can't NOT know how. It's not rocket science. Although the chemistry of baking, especially with alternative flours and ingredients certainly leaves me stumped. I CERTAINLY don't profess to be educated or know everything. I simply have lived with it long enough to figure out I WANT to cook again. I have alot of #FAILS and a few really good successes and ALOT that falls in the middle, somewhere. I still struggle with the expense of many of the alternative ingredients and experimenting. I'm too cheap to not be affected by throwing the failures down the garbage disposal. I have been VERY thankful to be able to get eggs and dairy back in the mix. They certainly help tremendously.

One thing I've always kinda of enjoyed is reworking leftovers. I think its fun to open up the fridge and figure out how I can make a little of this and little of that into something brand new. My family goes in spurts whether they are good about eating leftovers or not. So, if I can remake them, its helpful. You might argue that if you don't cook much, how would you know what goes together, or what spices to use. I also know alot of people that can't cook without using recipes. Personally, I only use most recipes once. If its a keeper, then the next time I start tweeking and using what I may have on-hand instead of something specific the recipe calls for.

But you eat out, don't you? Or watch The Food Network? Say you want something to taste Mexican....what seasonings are known Mexican seasonings? Cilantro, cumin, chili powder, garlic and onion powders. That's not an exclusive list, but its a good start. When you eat out, what GOES on Mexican foods? Beans, Spanish rice, lime, different peppers, corn, tomotoes, etc. Again this isn't an exhaustive list, but you get the idea. You KNOW more than you think you do!! EXPERIMENT! If your diet doesn't include dairy, obviously you avoid the cheeses or "creamies". You CAN experiment with cornstarch, potato starch, arrowroot to thicken. Or any of the many soy cheeses, milks, or nut butters and milks to substitute. I never tried the nut derived products as nuts is one of my no-no's. But I did learn that the soy versions of most of those things are VERY delicate and don't hold up long to the heat of average cooking. So just add them late in your process. I STILL will say that sticking with as many unprocessed foods as possible will still give you the best results. I often simply left out one factor to a recipe than use a processed alternative. I was usually disappointed with the result anyway. But anyway you shake it, I never found ANYTHING that was "as good as the original". It may be GOOD, but different. And the sooner you learn to let go of that expectation the happier you'll be. I know I hung on way too long!

But back to the figuring out what goes with what when cooking. One thing that has changed life as we all know it that would help you when you just HAVE to see something "official" in print, is your computer!! Google it! Ask Ask! : ) But I say give yourself a shot....trust your instincts! Experiment!

Breakfast

When I was first struck with my multiple food intolerances, the meal that was the hardest for me to deal with was breakfast. I don't know about you, but we grew up having "breakfast" for dinner once in awhile. It's a nice break from the usual dinner preparations. Breakfast foods seem easier and faster. And we all just LOVE breakfast foods. So it's a win for everyone. But in the mornings, you NEED eggs, toast, sausage, etc. Or so you think, at least I did. When I couldn't have the breads..toast, waffles, pancakes, etc., and I couldn't have the eggs or the milk, I was kinda lost. I discovered I really need MEAT to feel satisfied for any length of time. And then it dawned on me...I usually always have supper leftovers from the night before! It may seem odd for awhile, but when one is hungry....hey, food is food! So I lived a long time with eating leftover hamburgers or baked chicken and broccoli. My family has never needed, or wanted, a cooked, fresh breakfast. Frozen waffles or cereal has always kept my son happy and hubs would be gone to work before the sun comes up, grabbing a bowl of nuked oatmeal or a piece of fruit. So, dealing with breakfast for myself was always on my own. Just a short sidebar....about oatmeal. I stayed away from it for quite some time as everything I was reading online said those with Celiac and gluten-intolerance should stay away from oatmeal because of cross-contamination possibilities, even stemming back to the fields in which they are grown being used previously for wheat, barley, etc.! In time, I grew too curious and tried some. I found I did well, AS LONG as I stuck with Quaker brand, versus a cheaper, generic brand. And I did well with Irish brands of steel cut oats. But those are much more expensive and I still try to be cheap about some things. I say SOME things so you won't hold me to that about everything I say! I could say so much more. But I just want to stress, today, that if you are finding your diet suddenly diminished due to food allergies or intolerances that you aren't accustomed to, think outside the box. Dinner foods for breakfast isn't normal, but it works. Proteins of any nature, veggies, fruit...think whole foods. I suddenly couldn't have all the things that most people use to casserole things or cream things, combine things with. But I could eat WHOLE foods. Meat, veggies, fruit. Its not always what our American diets are accustomed to meal after meal after meal, but it works! Its healthy and its filling. Think outside the box!

New Focus

Wow, long time no write

I have no idea why I haven't written in so long. The only explanation is life. Life and moods. Have I ever mentioned I'm just FULL of moods? I'll give you a rundown of life around here. And a few thoughts. Maybe this will be the "choke" to getting the engine going again. Don't know what a choke is? Then I'm MUCH older than you.

I made my bi-annual trip to Kansas to visit my mother. With every visit, I am reminded each and every time that I would be a raving maniac if I lived closer and that living 1000 miles away is almost as frustrating. And its the only time I feel very cursed for being an only child. Continued hoarding and her complete belief and insistance that keeping ALL her "pretty" stuff is completely normal although she isn't very capable. And her insistance on driving is just things nightmares are made.

The holidays were spent in relative quietness. Enjoyed lots of family time with my hubby, son and dog.

The normalcy returned at turn of the new year. My son began his monthly treks to his drum corp weekend camps to ready for the new season. He is their field director this year, which will be his last, as he "ages out" this year. His mother gains several more gray hair as he drives the approximate 240 roundtrip miles in Michigan winter weather. February brought a home accident for my husband, costing him 3 broken fingers needing surgery. One required pins and one required the amputation of the top joint. The blessing was that it wasn't worse and it was his left hand. He's right handed. But God has blessed his recovery and he is on the downhill side albeit the physical therapy.

We have been reading and internalizing some great articles and blogs on minimalism. We have reached a stage in life we are very tired of all the years of accumlumating stuff and moving this stuff for the many cross-country moves we've made through the years. We've moved many a box full from house-to-house, state-to-state without opening once in many, many years. After realizing what hanging onto STUFF has done to both of our parents, we decided we desired to do differently. We don't want to wait till we are too old to do something about it. We want the freedom. And most of all, we don't want to do to our son what we will have to deal with our parents' belongings. So we have slowly been going through things and making periodic trips to our local Salvation Army. Its really exciting to think that someone will actually use stuff we have long forgotten about or no longer use.

Even though I haven't been writing on my blog lately, I have been considering possible new directions for it. Perhaps less random. Even though I enjoy discussing whatever is on my mind, I'm considering advice to be more "thematic". Do you have any thoughts on that? I would love to hear from you.

In memory of John

I saw an old friend today. And he filled my heart with love. That was the overwhelming emotion I had this past Sunday as I sat in church. I was listening but my eyes were roaming around seeing the faces of those in our new church, none of which are familiar to me yet. I suddenly spotted him. He wasn't quite the stature of my friend, but there was much about his face, his head that instantly transported me back 20 years in time.


I was in my twenties, single and going on my first missions trip through my church. John was a retired truck driver and he was going to be our bus driver, from Kansas to Monterrey Mexico. There are some people whose physical attributes are memorable and some whose personality is just so big and open that you'd never forget them. He was both. He was a large, muscular man that always wore boots. His head was like Kojak. His eyes and persona was the most loving of anyone I have ever known. Everytime he saw me headed his way, he greeted me with wide-open arms ready and waiting to embrace me with the best hug in the world. Not a squeeze-the-stuffing-out-of-you hug, but a cacooning, encompassing hug. Everyone that met him became his friend.

John and I had many opportunities during that week to talk and share. He had only been a Christian a few years and shared that he had been the stereotypical truck driver before. Memory has made some of the details a bit fuzzy, but around the same time of his conversion, he met the most wonderful woman in the world and they married. He shared with me about his wife's faith and was probably the first person I encountered that challenged my beliefs regarding denominational boundaries. He was very sensitive to that fact and made it perfectly clear he wasn't trying to make me believe as he and his wife did. But I was at a point in my own walk where I had some questions and never heard satisfactory answers. Some of the things John touched on answered those questions and my spirit knew it was truth. John and his wife were just the kind of people you could lay your complete and total trust in their walk they experienced as true and honest.

I left my hometown 20 plus years ago but there's always people, no matter how long or how far you go, never leave your heart. John was one of those. I would hear news about he and his wife from time to time through the grapevine and see him from time to time when we would go home for visits. I always felt like I had talked to him last week. John died of cancer a couple of years ago. I grieved the loss of such a wonderful person from this earth. It needs all the Johns it can hold. But I was so happy to think of him reunited with his wonderful wife in heaven and being a new bright light in the multitudes there.

As time has passed, I have thought of John, on occasion, fondly. And then Sunday, there he sat in front of me. As you now know, it wasn't actually him but someone that looked a great deal like him from a distance. Even though this particular bout of remembering John was fraught with missing John, it was a a good journey of remembering a soul that was one of the best this world has ever known.

Need to change our FQ--Food Quotient

It's been a few months since Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" was on television enlightening all of us about what our public schools are feeding our children every single day. It was also Jamie Oliver that pointed not only the schools, but the harried and brainwashed lives we parents buy into about jam-packed schedules and desire to feed our family, as well as ourselves, food that will soothes and comfort us.

We have are a society of 3 generations that grew up increasingly ingesting fast foods and having fewer and fewer home cooks. Our palates have increasingly become accustomed to smoother, greasier, cheesier, crispier, sweeter and more carbonated everything. We have had the invention and inundation of engineered foods, producing more and bigger things that were once completely healthy like vegetables, fruit, milk, cattle and poultry. Many would still argue their healthiness. I'm not arguing that point at all at this time. I'm not a militant vegan or vegetarian or stockholder on the beef council. I am simply a middle-aged wife and mother that enjoys cooking, eating and feeding my own small family. But after being hit, myself, suddenly with many food intolerances, I was unknowledgable and unprepared as to how to deal with it or cook for it. Fast foods and eating out, largely, came to a complete stop for us, as a family. Many, if not most restaurants have very little to offer someone like me. In researching, I learned that 1:130 are gluten-intolerant, if not an official Celiac, or one that cannot ingest wheat, rye or barley. Now, a large percentage of those 1:130 are also bothered by other foods/food groups. Now, no one expects restaurants to cater to everyone and all the different allergies. BUT, the first step would be to educate the food service industry about the new epidemics that are plaguing their customers. Educating chefs and staff is a start, but not only are professionals needing educating, the homecook needs a comeback along with new knowledge and confidence in providing foods for our families that are for health, not just comfort.

Where did alot of us that DO cook learn? Watching FoodNetwork, of course! The cornacopia of foods and ethnicities we've learned through the years have made this world and its food cultures a much smaller place as our palates have expanded and enjoyed truly great food. We all expect more from our dining experience. Now, with the explosion of obesity and diabetes in our country, I am looking to the FoodNetwork to step up and teach us what we need to modify our palates and how to put healthy moderation onto home tables again.

Now, FoodNetwork isn't to blame for the unhealthy conditions we have today, we DID forego exercise and the outdoors, choosing sedate activities such as video games, NetFlix and computers at the same time that processed and fast foods were becoming the norm. But what I'd like to see is the FoodNetwork have MULTIPLE programs geared to healthy cooking and programs for allergen-free cooking. Watching and experiencing explanations with the cooking educates very well. Home cooks would learn better ways and understand what we are eating for. Perhaps the stigma that is rampant amongst restaurant servers believing a gluten-free diet is only a trendy, Hollywood diet. Extended family of those that can no longer enjoy old family favorites at Thanksgiving will no longer believe we are only trying to be high maintenance or that "just a little won't hurt" really WILL hurt.

As much as I LOVE Paula Deen and want to eat absolutely everything she fixes, one show's worth of her "fixins" would kill me, as I'm one of the 1:130. I will still love watching "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives", watching all the wonderful fried, cheesy things that are "the BOMB!" And I will still tune in to other channels to watch never-ending contests of eating ginormous amounts of food in an hour. Its all fun and gastronomically enticing. But we need much more balance and Food Network sets the standards in teaching not only the basics of cooking, but what we should be eating and living.

yet to come

I've never been a thin person. I've always struggled with my weight. Looking back, I wish I could struggle with the "weight" I thought I had 30 years ago again, but even then, I was considered heavy, according to social mores. That was back in the days of Twiggy or just after. I would have been one of the thin girls nowadays. But that fact only breaks my heart for the young girls of today. Even though they may view their weight differently than I did 30 yrs ago, I know they must have pain in their condition and only someone as old as I am can know the real health problems their weight will cause them at much earlier ages than they did my generation. But I've spent years trying to figure out just why food and exercise has been my weakness. I seem to be stuck on a perpetual "about to take the first step" but not actually doing it. And if I do, I soon stop. Why?

I was watching an a television show about people that had lost great amounts of weight and then gained it back again. They were saying they lost the weight for others, for the accolades and attention they got instead of just for themselves and I think if I do anything its maybe not BECAUSE of myself, but I would have to do it BY MYSELF. I was an only child and even though I had quite a few friends growing up, I was kept very close to home, so to speak. I was never allowed to go to camps or spend time with friends without having a reason, place and time frame. So even though I had the friends, they all had other friends they could spend more time with. I was encouraged to stay at home to commute to college for money-sake, so my tether was still fairly intact and friendships were severely limited during those years. I finally left home and lived on my own but financially, didn't make enough to enjoy many outings with friends, and again, spent alot of time on my own. Against all odds, I did meet a wonderful guy and married. He has always been a very work-oriented person, spending an average of 12 hours a day at his job and being on call much of the time through the years. I had a full-time job prior to having our son and then became a full-time stay-at-home mom. I often felt like I was parenting alone, even though my husband always tried to have his input and spend time as much as possible with our son. Probably as with alot of couples, parent-teacher conferences were mostly mine to handle. Homework and schooling was mine to handle. I wish I could say I did a better job but I did the best I could at the time.

I don't tell any of this to place blame on my husband at all. We both did what we felt was the right thing. He has always been a very responsible, hard-working man and by working hard, he shows his commitment to his family. I get that. I say all this to show why I might feel like most of my life has been spent on my own, alone. Perhaps because I have always been in this position, I have a warped sense of security in it. On the other hand, it has always caused me to have a place down inside myself somewhere that feels very alone, as if a big gray cloud hovers over me at all times. Now, I don't want to paint a picture of a depressed, woe-is-me person, because I'm not. I am a very blessed person and there's not a moment I don't know and believe that.

I don't believe I'm depressed. I'm just trying to understand myself and figure out what exactly is the block that keeps me unmotivated enough to lose my weight. Am I just lazy? I don't know. Perhaps. I used to be successful in my schooling and job. So, why do I seem to be such a failure at this? I know PART of my problem is being convinced I'll fail, so why start? But who am I going to be a failure to? Others? My mother? I'm 51 years old, I think my upbringing is an inadequate excuse anymore. A failure to myself? Am I so convinced I'm a failure of a person? I have had a few people in my past make me feel like a failure and I took each and every one of those too close to heart. Why? Why did I let a few people completely mold my own opinion of myself as a total failure? Whatever the reason....I head KNOWS I'm a capable person. I can do anything I want to do badly enough. Perhaps I don't want it badly enough? I don't think that's true because it seems my whole identity and thoughs are centered around me and my size.

Drowning in Stuff

I have reached a time of life where my tastes in surroundings has taken a fork away from that in which I was raised. My parents' generation seems to have gained their self-worth in those things in which they accumulated through the years. The bigger the house, the more things one has the more successful one was perceived. And I think how they were perceived by others was also where they gained their self-worth, because they were always comparing themselves with those around them, their neighbors and peers. Most people of that generation tended to shun the antiques of their own parents and grandparents for the new trends of traditional, Mediterranean and Modern.

The Drum Corp Experience

Our summer has once again begun and our son has gone away to begin his summer of drum corp. We all did this last summer. Been here, done that. But, I'm finding its just about as much of an adjustment as it was last year. And I wasn't expecting that.

This is his second summer of marching an extreme version of marching band all summer, traveling all over the country and competing at shows, culminating in the DCI (Drum Corp International) World Finals in Indianapolis in August. This is marching band on steroids. This is NOT the "easy A" everyone remembers band to be in school. This is kids aged 14-21 spending their summers practicing, outside, inside, everywhere they can all day, everyday and putting together a cacophony of music, props, design, color and heart like you have never seen. Some of the corps have chosen classical, serious, dramatic selections for their show, emphasizing the music of composers that never could have imagined their pieces in such ways. Some have chosen jazz or popular, comical, light-hearted selections placing more emphasis on a story told or a visual circus to tantalize our spirits. Each corp is judged at every competition on the execution of the music, the preciseness, the musicality. They are judged on the props, their integration to the instruments, their individuality from the instruments, their preciseness and creativeness. These kids from corps all over the country spend their entire summers living together, sleeping on school gym floors, eating from their individual food trailers and traveling on buses, some touring, some school for hours and hours on end to the next competition on the map. And constantly practicing. In the rain, in the sun. A smart parent would buy stock in sunscreen and bug spray companies.

Every couple of weeks a corp will schedule a "free" afternoon or day to sightsee and/or take care of personal needs like laundry. Their wardrobe consists of t-shirts and shorts and if anything is new and nice at the beginning, chances are they may need burning by the end of the summer. And quite often they come home a completely different color than what they were when they left.

These are just a few of the lessons the kids learn on their own all summer. Or don't learn. But somehow, with or without their moms help or doing, they make it and they are somehow a changed kid from the experience. They return home more mature, more disciplined, more independent. Not only have they learned discipline, they have learned excellence, striving and work ethics. How many things actually do that for our children these days? If you would like a real treat, please go to http://www.dci.org/ and find a show in your area to attend. Cheer on a bunch of kids that are giving 100% of themselves for an entire summer and let them know how much this country still appreciates such great entertainment.

Apple Pie, Baseball and Packo's

Well, I don't think there was really apple pie to be found, but there was plenty of hot dogs and cotton candy. And the baseball was the Toledo Mud Hens game last Sunday versus the Indianapolis Pirates. We don't live in Toledo. We don't even live in Ohio, but its a nice little drive to it and we decided to experience one more thing that's a fun little trivia piece of our obsession with the old television series, M*A*S*H.

We had ventured down previously to eat at the world-renown, ok...maybe not WORLD renown, Packo's, a place mentioned many times by Private Max Q. Klinger as he often reminisced of his beloved days in Toledo. Hungarian hot dogs. It's a quirky, fun place and the food is really good. It's not exactly a place ideal for those with lots of food allergies, such as myself, but the experience makes up for it. And I'm finding a couple of things there I can have once in a blue moon. Much of their fare is spiced with their famous Hungarian Paprika. My advise....get a large drink! There are pictures of M*A*S*H scenes all over. Their claim to fame is having celebrities sign "hot dog buns" and they are displayed all over the establishment. I still wonder if they are real hot dog buns or simply pieces of wood made to look like buns. Even though they are adequately sealed, the thought of decades-old buns is a little nauseating.

So, since we had experienced Packo's, twice now, we decided to go to a Mud Hens game. I had never been in the downtown area of Toledo. It reminded me a lot of a little Milwaukee, which, in my opinion is a very good thing. I love Milwaukee. The stadium is a very nice stadium for a minor league stadium. The attendance was outstanding with tons of excitement and support for their local team. The food offerings were the usuals that are found in all stadiums. Again, not the greatest for someone with food allergies. But I came prepared with my own supply of Craisins, an apple and corn chips. There was the regional favorite of sausage races, hot dog tosses and cute mascots, Muddy and Muddonna. Yes, that's what I said. It was "Kids Day" and they were certainly well represented. My favorites were the ones that were about 2 to 3 years old and cute as a bug. My least favorite were the 8-10 yr old girls that decided every time the scoreboard said, "Make Some Noise" had to scream the most blood-curdling, high C scream. And not just a little. Long......constant......screams. But the old woman holding her ears needs to get over herself and realize the kids were having a good time at a great American tradition.

We managed to score seats just behind home plate. I KNOW! We sat among all the scouts. Mets, Tigers and a few we could never quite figure out. They sat with their speed-guns, papers, stopwatches and stats. I never realized quite so much paperwork goes into being a scout. It was interesting to watch. And the guy sitting next to me, the Tigers scout, was actually wearing a real World Series ring. I had never seen one in real life and I was impressed. I know, it doesn't take much. What didn't impress me was the two "hens" that sat behind us. Two men, somewhere in the neighborhood of 55-60 years old, yacked more than my aunts do when they get together. If anyone ever says women are the gossips, you can tell them I said it's not true! These guys talked about everything and everyone under the sun. One certainly had lots and lots of colorful language and it was always said at a few decibels more than the rest. Their armchair coaching amused the Mets scout sitting directly in front of us. I often caught him turning his head slightly sideways so he could catch what was being said and then he would always grin, as if he'd heard a good joke or something.

The Mud Hens won their game in the bottom of the 9th. As we were leaving the stadium, and my hubby retrieved his forgotten backpack, we spied another Packo's location across the street! Nothing could finish out our day like another visit to Packo's. It was more than a day of baseball and hot dogs. It was a day in the life of Private Max Q. Klinger. Eleven years of M*A*S*H (and 30 years of reruns!) has brought my family a great deal of enjoyment and fun over the years. This past weekend was maybe one of the best, thanks to Max.

Iron Man 2 at Midnight

Well, I certainly had an interesting night last night. I went to my first midnight movie. My son and, eventually, a friend of his wanted to see the opening showing of "Iron Man 2". Now, my son is my movie "buddy" as my husband doesn't care for movies much and seeing them in theaters even less. Over the years I've seen a lot of movies I really didn't care to see because that's what interested my son. I was grateful when he started reaching an age that more action-packed movies were on his list. "Chick flicks" are still on my own, therefore I'm very much behind on the one's I'd like to see, but I'm pretty up-to-date on action films.

Now I need to tell you that I've never been one to stay up till the middle of the night, not even when I was young. I may stay up late but it's in my own home and I'm all tucked in. My son came to me and asked if I'd go see the midnight show with him, knowing I thoroughly enjoyed the first Iron Man. It took me a few days to get used to the idea of actually leaving the house when most people with sense are asleep. But since it's our "thing", I was grateful he wanted to take his 'ol Ma and spend time with me. When his friend mentioned wanting to go, I eagerly offered to give him my ticket so the boys could go sans Ma. Nothing doing! Ma is going, so if that's ok with the friend, he can come with us.

So I caffinated myself even more than usual yesterday and actually took a short nap, hoping to ward off any chance that I'd be found snoring at some point during the movie. We arrived an hour and a half early and retrieved the pre-purchased tickets from their little red box. The cinema was showing the movie in 2 theaters. We were allowed to go in, sit and wait. It was important to stake out good seats as soon as possible. You would think being so early, we wouldn't have a lot of competition for those choice positions. You would be wrong. There were quite a number of high school kids already there and growing roots. Over the next many minutes the place filled up with more and more kids that looked to be high school age. Eventually, in a theater of maybe 300 seats, it was packed. I made mental count that there MAY have been 4 of us that were over 25. And a couple of us had that beat by quite a bit. But it was certainly an interesting feel being in the midst of so many young people. It reminded me of my own days of high school when we were called to the gym for an assembly. Remember those? Remember the freedom we felt as we got out of class for something fun? The hallways would loudly buzz with activity and once in the gym everyone was looking for friends, calling across the bleachers and floor to each other and generally having a good time. There were always the cliques of giggling girls, athletes that stuck together and acted like hot stuff because they knew everyone was watching them and the few that could find trouble where there was none. It always seemed to take a minute of so to get everyone quieted and settled enough to begin with whatever was on the agenda for that day. This theater felt much the same. And I felt very conspicuous among them. And old.

About 40 minutes before the movie was to begin, I heard this strange sound and asked my son. We listened and turned around to find a few boys blowing up beach balls. I found it humorous and said, "That reminds me of the segment 'What's That Sound' on America's Funniest Home Videos. The videos prove its never what you think. So these beach balls start getting tossed around and many of the kids cheer and begin participating. It seems like good, clean fun for a few minutes until one boy (isn't there always SOMEONE?) gets hold of a ball and proceeds to squeeze the ball with his fingers turned in and pops the ball. He seems quite proud of his accomplishment. The place erupts into booing. There are 3 more balls continuing to be tossed here and there. Eventually each of those balls found their way in his vicinity and he repeated his previous action to each one. The room, collectively, is very unhappy and mad. And all I could think was, "Oh, no, what if a riot starts?" One boy, that sat directly in front of us threw his popcorn all over Mr. Ball-Popper. Ooooooo, that should show him! Mr. Ball-Popper quickly follows suit and tosses his very large soda up and all over Mr. Popcorn. What stopped Mr. Popcorn from hurling himself down on top of Mr. Ball-Popper, I don't know. He was certainly in position but the voice in his head must have been screaming that he should have more sense than that or something. The room erupts in pointing at Mr. Ball-Popper, much like the ever-popular tomahawk chop and chanting endlessly, "A&*-Hole, A&*-Hole, A&*-Hole........" . We've definitely left MY assembly experiences behind. I'm still preparing for the ensuing riot coming, when everyone settled down. I eventually realize that the cinema's manager and a couple of other employees have walked in and are standing "guard", if you will. At least the inmates, however voluntary, recognize an authority figure and reacted appropriately. This 'ol Ma is breathing a sigh of relief!

Only a short few minutes later and the movie starts. My fear of a rowdy crowd during the movie was unfounded. Everyone was glued to the action and seemingly loved the movie as much as I did. Only yawns caught up with me in the last 15 minutes or so, but sleep was kept at bay. There was certainly too much going on to even consider sleeping. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my son and his friend and I definitely enjoyed the movie. But I can't say that I'm a lover of midnight showings of blockbusters. I'm glad I experienced it, but I have a new appreciation for my matinees in theaters that are sparsely attended, with maybe a few kids with their mothers, depending on the movie. I enjoy being the one that lowers the age average of the room instead of raising it. But, one thing I cannot acquiesce and that's spending the time with my son. I'm grateful that he wants his mom to see some movies with him. I was grateful that he wasn't embarrassed by having me with him and that he has friends that didn't mind my presence either. THAT was my Mother's Day gift to my heart!

Not completely blank...

Well, I realized a lot of time has passed since my last post. I've hit another one of those times when nothing has inspired me to write. But I want to write and I read the other day that doing it is simply a decision to do it. So, here I am. No issue to stand on my soapbox about. Nothing terribly inspiring or thought-provoking to say. So, this is simply ramblings in my head lately.

I have one large thing going on in my head and stressing me greatly. But every time I try to voice or write about it, it gets so big and convoluted that I cannot possibly put it "out there". It turns into one HUGE whine. I try to leave it in God's hands. I know it can only work out because of Him. But there's a small part of me, a very human part, that thinks this one thing can even override Him. IT is a very intimidating thing. One that has left it's damaged marks on me from childhood. See? And even trying to talk AROUND it, it's getting bigger to talk around. So, that's enough of that.

My father died almost a year ago. I miss him. A lot. But I am so thankful he's no longer in pain and I picture him up in heaven all the time. I'm sure he's been getting all the facilities up there up to code and then some. He was a very precise person.

My baby is turning 20 soon. It's amazing how sometimes it seemed like he was never going to get out of stages or ages. In their moments, some of them seemed endless. But looking back, it seems to have all flown by. I made SO many mistakes. You often say you won't do the same things your parents did, but it was amazing how many times I heard my mother come out of my mouth. I KNOW I prayed so much that what mistakes I did make didn't permanently damage his heart and soul. He's such a fabulous young man, in spite of me. I'm very proud of him and anxious to see what God has planned for his life.

Well, that's just a sampling of some of the ramblings in my head lately. I wrote. For better or worse.

"Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution"

Did anyone see Jamie Oliver's preview of his new show, "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" last night? I wasn't terribly hopeful going into it, but it was FANTASTIC! Jamie has challenged and improved the school lunches in his home country of England and he's come to America to try to do the same. He started with the town of Huntington, WV, as it was deemed by government statistics as the worst town for overall obesity and overall bad health. To say he was welcomed with opened arms would be a HUGE lie.

He is currently working with five "lunch ladies" in one of the area elementary schools. They took great offense at the term "lunch lady" and wanted to be known as cooks. But in my opinion, anyone, whether at school, restaurant, institution or home that only heats up food or reconstitutes food, isn't cooking. One lunch lady hung her attitude on the fact that in the LONG list of ingredients of everything Jamie was trying to point out as extremely processed, thus "not real" foods, the first ingredient was always the "real" food that the item was suppose to be. It wasn't pointed out that the one real food ingredient was followed by thirty other ingredients that the majority of us cannot pronounce or have a clue what is. Being a gluten and multiple other food-intolerant person, myself, I can attest that many, many things have wheat and milk added as fillers, so we are being hugely overdosed on some items we don't even realize would have those things in them. But I digress.

These ladies were nearly giddy when Jamie's first attempt at feeding the children baked chicken, roasted potatoes, salad and apples was a large failure. What few children chose this lunch, threw much of it out. Of course they did. They have had nothing but chicken nuggets and pizza their whole lives. And the school serves pizza for breakfast everyday. Jamie asked different children what they had for supper the night before and they unanimously said chicken nuggets, pizza, chicken tenders, etc. They are eating the same foods day in and day out, no matter where they are. Convenience items. Things we all throw at our kids when we have no time or energy to cook. By the time this preview show was over I likened feeding our children in this manner no better than opening a bag of feed and tossing on the ground for the chickens or slopping the pigs. Something that has to be done, but do it as quickly and easily as possible. I would hope we care more about our kids than the chickens and pigs.

"Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" actually premiers this Friday on ABC at 9pm ET. I challenge everyone to watch and be as grossed out as I was about the state of our diets and what we are feeding our children. We should be outraged and demand standards to change. If we don't not only are our children dying before we will, but their children, our grandchildren will die even younger. Our laziness and habits shouldn't be so self-important to kill future generations for no good reason.

Whose Fault?

Jihad Jane. Colleen LaRose. Everyone that has known her seems totally shocked at the turn of events that has exposed a side to this woman that no one seemed to be aware of. Her neighbors described her as a typical housewife. Her boyfriend didn't have a clue. Her ex-husband describes a "bible-toting church-goer". So when, why and how did her outlook change so much that she became willing to go murder a Swedish cartoonist and be a martyr for a cause that she, seemingly, had nothing to do with? Let me propose a theory. It may not have a lot of validity, but it's mine.

Anytime one used to be a "bible-toting" Christian and turns away from it, I think most people tend to think that their previous ways weren't real, putting on the mask to fit into the church crowd. It's always a possibility. There's certainly enough people running around, inside and outside the church alike, wearing various masks. And with anyone that seems to have such a change of personality and beliefs, you can never completely rule out a mental instability. But, again, I think that's an easy way out for explaining some situations. This one strikes me differently. She was married for 10 years to a man that says they lived a very routine, normal life and went to church every Sunday. Then they divorced. Now, I'm not saying divorce is the reason for people going over the edge, but its definitely seen as a failure to many. She moves to Pennsylvania and we haven't learned much about the next many years. But skip ahead 15 years and we learn of the death of her father and her attempted suicide. Suicide. Only people that are truly disillusioned and tapped out emotionally go this route. There's no indication that she continued going to church or had any kind of Christian support system after moving to Pennsylvania. We just don't know this part of the story yet.

Now, I've never been to Pennsylvania, except for the Philadelphia airport. But I'm fairly certain there are Christians in Pennsylvania. I have a few online sisters that are wonderful Christians. But have to ask, where were the church-goers in her community? In church? Going to choir practice, bible studies, having programs, breakfasts, dinners? There's nothing wrong with any of those things. But a lot of Christians seem s to hole themselves up inside the walls of the church. They keep themselves extremely busy with church activities. All their friends are other church members. They home school their kids and network with other church home schoolers. I've even known many that will only work for the Christian businessman that they know well from, yes, you have it, church. Many of them have themselves so insulated from anyone and anything in the world that they wouldn't recognize a real worldly need if it bit them on the nose. It is my theory that Colleen was badly disillusioned by Christians. How much did they try to help, without judgement, when she went through her divorce? How many tried to befriend the new neighbor when she moved to Pennsylvania? How many were there to comfort and lift her up when she was grieving at the death of her father?

We don't know the answers to these questions. But I've seen it happen over and over. Many Christians are so consumed with living the virtuous life and knowing virtuous people that they lose touch about what we are really here for. To touch the world. A very, very hurting world. Again, this is strictly a conjecture on my part about Colleen's life. But the observations of what goes behind my theory has been taken from years and years of spending time with "church-goers". Some are the most wonderful people in the world. And they are "in the world". But there are, sadly, still many that haven't woke up yet.

It's been winter since Christmas, inside and out. You know that gray, bored, cabin-fevered emotional void that comes with the post-holiday letdown? And I always feel like I'm being ungrateful to complain about anything because, really, I have nothing to complain about. My life has been richly blessed and I never really forget that. I'm very grateful. But this is a feeling, a feeling that passes through me often. I don't know if its a chemical thing or a lack-of-sun thing but I get blue and this is certainly the time of year I feel I struggle with it the most. But for a very different reason, this has been a difficult last few months for me.

If you have read any of my posts in the last 9 months or so, you know I lost my father to cancer last May. Besides the usual grief that brings, its just weird to suddenly know at my age that one of my parents is no longer on this earth. Move ahead 8 months. I had an uncle that suffered many, many mini strokes the past 3-5 years. The past 3 years have been spent in in-home care and not always being terribly aware of who people are or what's going on around him. But he remained a large man and was a burden that my aunt and cousins dealt with mostly on their own all that time. It was an existence that certainly seemed to have no quality of life, not an existence that anyone would consider beneficial. But he had the stubborness and tenacity to hang on nearly 3 years longer than anyone, including his doctors, expected. But he took a sudden turn last month and in a week's time, he suddenly was gone. As with my father's cancerous decline, no one could be terribly sad that their suffering was over.

Skip ahead one more time one month later. Yesterday.

A most amazing thought

I was at a gathering of people at church last night, one being our pastor. We were discussing the evolution of our particular church and that of churches in American in general. Apparently nearly 4000 churches close their doors annually due to dying congregations. Relevance. Their lack of revelance in the lives of those in their community. Our pastor reminded us that in remaining relevant to those in our communities has to continue to change as we get older and those coming in the doors should be younger. In doing this successfully, we must be willing to let go of alot, if not all, of our own things we like or feel comfortable with. We must continue to change with the times. He said the most amazing thing. "I have given up absolutely everything I love about my job as a preacher." Now, please understand he was not saying he no longer loved his job. Not at all. He was simply saying that God has shown him that he has needed to let go of any sense of routine or the aspects about his job that he always looked forward to. God has replaced those things with other things he loves and enjoys, but they aren't things from his own desires or thoughts. They are from HIS desires for us. And by letting go of the sense of self in doing a job, our pastor has been HIS tool for growth and touching the lives of those in our communities. Our church was once one of those about to close its doors to now being a congregation of well over 20,000, four weekly services and a new satellite location in another town 40 miles away.

Change and letting go of control this way never lets us arrive at a place where we can relax and be comfortable. It continues. It moves, constantly. Our comfortableness must be found in the change, in the work that is being done in the lives of those around us, in stretching ourselves to keep moving and growing with it all. The word to remember is relevance.

The "Man" in the Middle

We are seeing it more often. Wife, mother, missing, police, searches, "grievous" husbands left at home to continue "normalcy" in the face of tragedy. We've seen it with Scott Peterson, Stephan Grant, Drew Peterson and most recently, Josh Powell. These are only the big cases I can think of off the top of my head and they made national news. I'm confident there are many, many other cases but for one reason or another, hasn't made the major airwaves, yet.

I titled this blog, "The "Man" in the Middle". I think most people can grasp my italicizing the word man, simply due to many definitions of what exactly a man is. I don't mean a male, alone. I don't even mean husband or significant other. I mean the degree and quality of character. The men that these missing ladies were married to, for one reason or another, did not have the character or integrity to be my definition of "man". These spouses either had control issues, financial issues, mental issues or anger issues left unchecked. Their wives, from what understanding we can glean from the events leading up to each of their disappearances, became spouses that had, for one reason or another, turned elsewhere away from their marriage, to grasp a breath of air away from what had become suffocating. And that is what I mean by "in the middle". There seemed to be an outside influence of even minor consequence that made these wives either look elsewhere or simply became aware that the union they were in was not healthy. These husbands were no longer taking care of her in some manner, whether it be physically, emotionally or providing that sense of security that we all need. And because these ladies lost faith in their spouse or their marriage, these men were moved to react in violent ways.

Being disillusioned by a marriage is no reason to fear violent consequences. Why should disillusionment or problems jump to violence, rather than a marriage counselor or even divorce court? A few cases has been reported where the wife wrote letters or told friends that if anything should happen to them, they should suspect their husbands. What is it about these men that jumps past reasonable action and goes straight to violence and the subsequent lying and hiding until the truth and evidence comes back to bite them? And why do wives stay with men they have such strong fears about?

I don't know what the answer is. I do believe there could have been more protection for them from the police. Perhaps it was available and these ladies chose not to open that door. But I would encourage everyone that may become suspicious in any way about the relationship of a friend, neighbor, sibling, adult child to get involved. Encourage them to talk. Encourage them to get help. Help them as quickly and as much as possible. We have too many children losing their mothers, and subsequently their fathers, in crimes of passion. Let's help these families before they get to that point.